This season of life seems to be one of waiting for us.
Waiting to be done with my PhD.
Waiting to be done with John's Seminary time.
Waiting to find out if his endorsement for ordination will be met and made and celebrated.
Waiting to find out which district our call will be in.
Waiting to find out where friends will be placed.
Waiting to find out if our home congregation is going to stay intact or completely shred itself to pieces.
The last one is the hardest for me right now.
We have decisions to make about that congregation.
To stay there or transfer to the one where John has been working.
To re-integrate back into the ministries at that congregation on a limited basis that we can at this point.
To have John continue to help lead or not.
To have our children become part of the children's ministry there again or not.
Right now, the only reason we're still there is because of the new staff member I had talked about briefly before. He's wonderful. And so supportive of us.
He's the only one from that congregation that has publicly prayed for us.
That means a great deal to us.
Never mind that other churches in our synod are praying for us by name even though they could not pick John out of a line up and have never met any of the four of us.
Never mind that other congregations in our synod and other synods are asking for John to come and serve them while he is in seminary.
Never mind that friends from other denominations of the Christian church (even those who don't agree with our theology) are praying for us.
Never mind that friends who aren't even Christian are praying for us on our journey right now.
The Pastors at our congregation have never once prayed for us publicly - even though the congregation supposedly endorsed us to begin this journey in the first place.
I realize that as a Christian, I should be able to forgive and "forget", though I don't believe that true forgiveness means forgetting anything but rather letting go and not letting the past have hold over you.
I have a hard time understanding why I should be part of a body that doesn't appear to want me there in the first place.
That ridiculed and belittled me and my family.
That made my children dislike Sunday School so much that I spent the better part of a year physically carrying them kicking and screaming down the hallway to get them there - no matter what congregation I was at.
That told my husband he was a fool and that there was no way God could possibly use him.
That lied and continued to tell and believe lies about me and my family.
Why should I stay? Why should my family stay?
I know that God has a plan and a purpose. This is one of those times where both John and I wish we could see the whole picture - the tapestry of our lives from above, rather than within.
John is as puzzled over what to do as I am, though it doesn't bother him the way it does me.
I struggle and wait and wish and whine and bang my proverbial head on the wall.
Sometimes I want to be an ostrich with my head in the sand.
Other times I want to wave a magic wand and solve the problems in one fell swoop.
And I want to make the right decision.
In time God will tell me. He will tell us. And we will follow Him.
Soli Deo Gloria.