I had a bit of a revelation as I battled pneumonia over Christmas this year.
We went into Christmas with my Dad being diagnosed with colon cancer a week and a half before Christmas and having surgery exactly one week before. We had all just had the flu at our house - in fact, I had a fever of 104F the day my mom called to tell me the diagnosis for my Dad. I had just barely managed to drive my also ill son and myself home from school too - John literally caught me as I fell through the front door.
That was Friday afternoon - my mom called Friday night.
Sunday morning I woke up without a fever and my husband was just getting one. The children were all better by that time (of course) and were enjoying endless junk food and videos while Mom and Dad were too ill to care what they did or ate. I remember pounding the pillow with all my meager strength and shouting at John "You can NOT get sick! You can NOT get sick!" Because, of course, that works. :)
Two weeks later I was in the ER - three days after Christmas - with my pneumonia that I'd battled for 3 months and thought I'd conquered back in full force.
Honestly, I hate being sick all the time. I eat right (most of the time) and I exercise regularly - hard, I might add. I should not be getting sick. Because, of course, I'm the one in control. Which, of course, is not true at all, in any way, shape or form!
I realized how I am so not ready to loose my own health.
I realized how I am so not ready to have my parents leave this earth to go to their eternal home - I don't care that my Dad is now 81 years old (young?), I want him here for a good long while yet.
I realized how I am so not ready to hand our finances over to the Lord - we are looking at a minimum of an 80% pay cut when John goes on internship, though it could be more like 95% as we're looking at it now in detail.
I realized how I am so not ready to have my career end or drastically change in any way, shape or form.
I realized how I am so not ready to have anything unexpected happen with my husband or my children or my in-laws.
And I realized how I really don't rest in the Lord.
I rest in my relationships with others - my parents, my husband, my children, my friends, my church family.
I rest in our emergency fund and our income and our investments.
I rest in my ability to control every aspect of my health and well being.
I rest in having my family whole and healthy and, well, here on earth.
I rest in having an income that I am responsible for and a career that I love.
The Lord placed upon my heart that I need to rest in Him and not any of these earthly things.
My head knows this. And it has for a long time. It's my heart that needed to understand.
Yesterday I wrote about letting go of the dream job that I've always wanted.
Since then, it's been easier to let go of strange earthly things like junk food and sweets and the over-abundance of possessions that we have.
I've been able to give myself more grace when things don't get done the way I want them to or in my time frame.
I've had the wonderful chance to reflect on the lives of two wonderful and Godly women close to me - my Mother and my Grandmother.
Both women have and had such a peace on resting in the Lord.
My Grandfather, my mother's father and this Grandmother's husband died at the age of 45, when my mother was just 14 years old and my Grandmother had 4 children ranging in age from 9 to 18 at home.
My Mother has buried both her parents, all three of her siblings (two who committed suicide), her other daughter, battled severely debilitating disability her whole life and watched her career start and stop like a car in rush hour traffic.
My Grandmother buried her husband, 2 of her children, 3 of her grandchildren, 2 of her great-grandchildren and lived in abject poverty almost her whole life.
Yet both my Mother and my Grandmother have a fantastic level of peace.
It's because they rest in His peace and His strength and His power. Not their own.
It is my hope and my prayer that I will learn to do the same.
Soli Deo Gloria.