Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Healthy Habits in 2010 - Sabotage!

I've discovered something very important about myself: whenever I make progress on my weight loss, I sabotage myself.

How?

Well, last week I definitely noticed my jeans are fitting better and my arms are more muscular than they have been for while. 

What have I done in this last week?

I have eaten a ton of cheese (which I love but don't get often because John is allergic), had a huge bacon cheeseburger and fries for dinner on Saturday night, ate a whole loaf of french bread by myself (yes, yes, I did - over 2 days mind), ate two hot pockets for lunch - a single serving is one and I haven't bought hot pockets since 1997, ate a long john and a cinnamon roll, ate 4 large sugar cookies from the store, and I'm now drinking a cherry coke. 

Any one of those things is fine - and something that done once in a while is perfectly okay (I eat that cheeseburger maybe twice a year).  Ordinarily I wouldn't have even considered getting the long john or the cinnamon roll or the cookies or the cherry coke.  Any one of those in a 2-month period would be a lot for me.

Why am I doing this?

Partly because I feel like I can "splurge" since my clothes are fitting better. 
Partly because I'm sick of eating well all the time.
Partly because my toe is now healed and I know that I can work out at my normal "level."

Mostly it's because I'm lazy. 
And I'm being selfish.

I want to eat whatever I want - never mind that I didn't really enjoy any of it except the cheeseburger, which is from a fancy restaurant that I love but rarely eat at.  Never mind that I don't enjoy the aftertaste of the long john, cinnamon roll or cookie.  Never mind that there was a perfectly lovely (and cold!) bottle of water in the machine right next to the coke.

I want to be able to 'splurge' often. This used to be my normal mindset and part of what filled our house with stuff and my mind with unease and my hips with extra pounds.

I thought I was over this.

I guess you can say that old habits die hard.

And that changes happen gradually and take time.

All of that's right.

And I guess I have to learn that when I hit a certain point I sabotage myself.

I think I hide behind my weight and I hide behind the weight as a way of staying lazy. 

If I were fit, I'd have to work to stay fit.
If I were fit, I'd have to watch what I eat more than I would like.
If I were fit, I'd have to find new clothes - at least on the bottom half - and I really hate shopping.

I also feel that if I were fit, I'd have less reason to be uncomfortable with me. 

And that's what I really have to wrestle with.

Not the cravings or the sabotage or the work it will take to get there and then stay there.

The fact that I'm still in many ways uncomfortable with who I am - especially the physical me.

Do I have lots of work ahead of me in that department?  Yes.

And it will all be worth it...
Definitely.

How are you doing with your healthy habits?  Care to share?

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Lea