Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Struggling

I took today off so that I could work in the quiet and comfort of my own home and get my papers done for tomorrow. There's something lovely about sitting my kitchen table with candles burning, a hot cup of Chai latte, and my laptop and papers writing about things I'm interested in.

The problem?

I'm struggling.

I'm struggling with what to write.
I'm struggling with adequately supporting what I'm writing with appropriate literature.
I'm struggling with keeping myself on task.
I'm struggling with getting all the things done that I need to get done before tomorrow.
I'm struggling with this huge issue at church that keeps sneaking into my thoughts when I don't want it to be there or when I want to concentrate on something else.
I'm struggling with wrestling with my thoughts on all the things I've been sinfully neglecting this year - promises I haven't kept, things I need to do for my spiritual welfare and the welfare of my family, relationships I've neglected.
I'm struggling with having cookies on the counter and telling myself that I worked out this AM and could have just one more. :)

I keep praying that I can be efficient. That I can be focused. That I can accomplish what I need to.

Then I'm struggling with what it is that God wants me to be working on rather than what I want/feel I should be working on or what I perceive my responsibilities to be. Are they the same? Are they different? How do I tell? Am I just not paying attention?

Then, is the struggle part of this whole refining process or is it from the devil to keep me from where God wants me to be?

**SIGH**

I'll keep praying. And struggling.

There really isn't anything else I can do...

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Lea